Sunday, November 14, 2010

DELETE—Little Miss Pukey Pants

by Brittany Geragotelis

Once a week, my guest blogger (who shall remain nameless...okay, not nameless...let's call her
Ms. Sassy Pants. Sassy for short) stops by to share all the things in her life that deserve a big, fat DELETE. Anyhoo, her majesty is back and trying to figure out whose fault it is that she fell sick this weekend. Check out what she had to say and then come up with a few DELETE's of your own.

This weekend was supposed to be the weekend of all weekends. I had plans to attend an annual fundraiser that I haven’t missed in three years. I had the dress picked out; I had appointments to have my hair and makeup professionally done—Ms. Sassy Pants was on her way to becoming Ms. Fancy Pants—until I woke up on Saturday morning and felt the strangest sensation...Like my insides were about to be ripped out! And then I got sick. How could this have happened?!? All my plans had been DELETED!
Bottom line: I wished that I could've just been DELETED. No human should ever have to endure the misery I went through. I felt like I was a victim of the bubonic plague. It was seriously worse than any hangover you could imagine (and I've had my fair-share). As I was claiming squatters-rights to the bathroom, I began to run through a list of culprits that could've been responsible for my weekend's downfall.
So, here we go…the list of possible causes to my most recent plight:
The guy in the subway that was sucking on chicken bones and then throwing them at me. You just know they were full of e-coli or botulism or some sort of melt-your-insides type of bacteria. I don’t know if I was part of some sort of twisted voo-doo ritual or if the guy just had a screw loose, but throwing chicken bones in the subway…DELETE!
The girl that claimed the bathroom stall right next to me. The entire bathroom was empty and she just had to use the stall right next to mine. I'm sure it was a part of her evil plan to spread her sicky-poo germs all over unsuspecting victims. And, hello?!?! Some privacy please? DELETE!
The co-worker who insisted on coming in to work with her runny nose and glassy eyes after being attacked by some sort of virus. I personally think it was a Night of the Living Dead-type sickness because that’s how she looked—and how I felt—after she spread the mutant virus onto me. If you are sick or have been attacked by a zombie, don’t go in to work…DELETE!
Chocolate syrup. How could this have made the list, you ask? With all of the delicious goodness it has to offer? Apparently you're supposed to keep it refrigerated after opening. Probably not a good idea then, to make a shake with chocolate syrup that has been sitting in the cabinet for two weeks after being opened and not refrigerated. They should have made that print a little larger…DELETE!
So kiddies…Ms. Sassy Pants is now on the mend and coming around slowly. Today’s blog was almost in danger of being DELETED due to this recent mishap (I know that would've been a tragedy) but the show must go on.
See you next week and stay away from booze, bums, zombies and chocolate syrup and you should have a happy, healthy week ahead.



Anonymous said...

Miss Sassy Pants. . . I'm so sorry to hear that you were sick. Any one of those issues could have been the culprit, BUT it sounds an awful lot like the FLU bug hit you. It's really going around. Did you have your flu shot??? And please. . . for all of the women out there, NEVER blame anything on CHOCOLATE!!

Anonymous said...

I once ate some tainted humus that made me so sick I ended up in the emergency room. It was the day before I was to have my first date with my boyfriend. He had this entire special date planned and it ended up in the shitter because I cancelled. Fortunately, he forgave me and didn't think I was just ditching him.