Once a week, my guest blogger (who shall remain nameless...okay, not nameless...let's call her Ms. Sassy Pants. Sassy for short) stops by to share all the things in her life that deserve a big, fat DELETE. Anyhoo, her majesty is back and this week, she's tackling the wild world of dating. Check out what she had to say and then come up with a few DELETES of your own.
Launching into the world of dating is no easy feat. And in reality, my life is more like an episode of "Punked" than "Sex in the City." I think I'd rather stay in, curled up in my bed, watching a marathon of "30 Rock" and stuffing my face with pizza, than have to endure another first date. All the BS conversation, asking questions about things you really don’t give two shits about. The bottom line is, I just want to know if I can spend more than an hour with you without multiple eye-rolls.
But once you get past that first date, establish somewhat of a rapport and start doing the dating rituals...that's when things can get a little sticky. How do you know when things are working, when they’re not and when you need to cut your losses and hit DELETE?
Here are a few things that should tip you off that your potential beau is more DELETE-worthy than DATE-worthy:
If they ask if your boobs are real…DELETE.
If they tell you how many girls they've slept with in the past 3 weeks…DELETE.
If they say they like looking at your photos on Facebook...every few hours…DELETE.
If they brag about having "seasonal" girlfriends…DELETE.
If they collect action figures of any kind...DELETE.
If they want to meet your parents after the first date…DELETE.
If they spend more time on their hair than you do…DELETE.
If they have an IV filled with booze…DELETE.If they don’t want you to meet their friends…DELETE.
If they still live with their parents…DELETE.Thumb rings. Stole this one from "30 Rock"…thank you Liz Lemon. DELETE.
If they expect you to cook them dinner on your first date…Martha Stewart doesn’t bleepin live here…DELETE.If they remotely remind you of a cast member from the "Jersey Shore"…DELETE.
If they talk baby talk...Mama-Wama doesn't likey the Baby-Waby tawk…DELETE.
And this is just a short list. I’m sure I’ll have to revisit and revise as the weeks pass. Let’s face it, I’m not getting any younger and the pizza eventually will start to take it’s toll. But in the meantime, my finger is armed, ready and might I add just a bit trigger-happy to hit DELETE.